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| it isnt fair. i feel so hopeless and depressed. when i look at porn just so i know what guys are looking at. i feel like the ugliest girl.....at first i thought whatever, porn stars are just trashy looking. but then my curiousity got the best of me and i really looked around online and the "nude models" are the prettiest girls ive ever seen. so thin, petite, natural, gorgeous. their vaginas have no bumps and are so plump. their bums and boobs are perfect and perky. their hips go out even though they are so thin. the blonde girls never have roots. they are probably all european. my boyfriend says he doesnt look at porn.....but i dont believe him. he says im the prettiest girl in the world. i of course dont believe that, but now i dont even think he believes it. how can i ever measure up? i feel so sad. i love him so much and i just want to be good enough. but i never will be. not when there are such impossible standards. and what about when i get old? if he is turned on by young innocent girls like he says i am, then i doubt that when i become middle aged hell start being attracted to middle aged women instead. i feel like a stupid fat failure. even if i was as beautiful as them, well im still ONE girl. how can i be as good as the millions of others he can look at online. i love him so so much and i know he loves me too....but porn makes me feel so sad and insecure..i dont think i believe a man can ever be satisfied with one girl, no matter how beautiful she is:( | | |
| I am fucking sick of this stupid, bull shit belief i have. Sadness, anger, and negativity are not "the only real things". i am not only happy over things that are fake. I am human goddammit! humans like going to parties and congregating with friends and owning new possesions. yet this morose feeling that comes around tells me my happiness is fake. i need to stop it! my life is totally fun and i do not have anything to complain about except this eatting disorder. i wonder if the cure is happiness. i have a job that makes me tons of money, i have some awesome friends, i have a bunch of guys i like, i have people who love me, i got into the university i wanted and got a scholarship, and theres a party on friday! plus im so fucking gorgeous! inside and out
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| I have to make a responsible adult decision. Its time to move on. He doesnt add to my life, he takes away from it. He hurts my feelings all the time. He always has an excuse and i know what hes really in it for. I'm sick of waiting for his texts, and being sad if they never come. I'm sick of getting all excited to hang out, I'm sick of getting all happy when he calls me baby. Im not going to formally end things. Just let them drift off. Sure, the immature me screams "wait, what if he ends things with you first!". the mature me says oh well. Boomerangs (moochers) always come back. Its stupid to care about how it will look to others. most people dont know anyways. I want a real boyfriend. One who likes me, and I like him. I'm sick of playing games. I am just ready to move on. Hes an idiot anyway. The way he rambles on. I wonder if he really knows deep down that he is an idiot? Besides, high schools almost over. Its time to get ready for the adult world. In the new world, all the girls arent desperate and all the guys arent pigs. He will have trouble getting much decent action. I will have no trouble at all. I like two people right now. One of them is single and im pretty sure he likes me too. He has an open smile and cute shaggy blonde hair.He asked yesterday what i did for vday and i betcha that was so he could find out if i was single. It seems absolutely RIDICULOUS to let my day get ruined by a LOSER like malcolm. just look at him!! he is so ugly, small, gay dressing, mean, not funny, and on top of all those negative qualities he has a sprinkle of incredibly strong conceit. He is not someone I should pay any attention to EVER. he isnt even good enough for me to respond to his questions. NEW RULE: IF SOMEONE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME, DO NOT EVEN GIVE THEM THE TIME OF THE DAY. so if they are a loser, ok, be nice. but if they are a loser who is mean and thinks theyre awesome, well fuck that.
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| Emily, you made a promise to yourself. You said you were never going to give up. You promised sitting on that stool in please mum after working for so many hours, excercising for so many hours, sacrificing so much. you promised yourself that you'd never stop trying.
"Never Settle. When you really have your heart set on something its better to strive for it and take opportunities and risks that will help get you there"
You cant let everyone else's opinions of you bring you down. Never mind what the haters say, ignore em till they fade away. You have less than 4 months left with these people. Who cares what some negative person who doesnt even like there own life says about you? Do you like them? Chances are you don't. So ignore them!
Go to the grad parties, but dont stress over dumb things. Work as much as you can and save your money cause thats what will matter. This chapter in your life is almost over. Why focus on the last few pages when the chapters over. Soon you will be off to university with a whole new world of people. And then theres him. Okay, you will likely get hurt. But face it, you really want this. really really want it. I dont think you've ever wanted something this badly. So take a chance and go for it! You arent living as much as you can unless you go for the things you truly want. dont kid yourself. You want it so bad. So work for it. You are happier when you are working on this goal. Dont tell people this time. Just work hard at creating a balance. Respect yourself.
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| I cant let myself get preoccupied with anything in the waiting room. Life begins when I graduate. The only person I should EVER focus on is me. EVER. other people will only let me down. If they have shown me they are worthy of my attention I can focus on them. But I PROMISE myself, I come first. Always, every day. There is nobody who cares about me more than anyone in the world, nobody who is taking care of me, so Ive got to be that person. I have got to take care of me. Other people do not matter. There feelings do not matter very much, especially their feelings about me. I am a slave to myself only. I am not going on facebook for the next week. I am not answering his texts. He is being a jerk and he has no idea the kind of girl I am. Which really sucks for him, because if he ever finds out, he will get his life ruined by me. I ruined the other guys life. He had me and I left. I am the most amazing girl. That kind of girl who people fall incredibly in love with. But if I have someone wrapped around my finger I am done with them. Also, I need to distance him. Because Im into this new guy and if i play my cards right and he plays his cards right....who knows what will happen. :)
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